Titleless

Writing multiple papers each week on a vast array of topics: welcome to college.

This week I am puzzled by one essay in particular. After the first few weeks of the English course I am in, I realized that I was going to be hit head on with challenging readings, deep discussions, and mind-boggling essay topics. Tonight is yet another example of that jelly-brained feeling I get when I have absolutely no clue where to direct my thoughts and eventually this paper.

We read a book. A great book, but a sad one. It's title is Saint Maybe, and the author is Anne Tyler. I enjoyed this book, however sad and troubling it was. This boy Ian feels guilty for causing the death of his brother and the brother's wife. Ian's sister-in-law had a baby, her third child. Ian babysat for them quite often, and he started to suspect that his sister-in-law, Lucy, was having an affair. Lucy and Ian's brother Danny got married very quickly after meeting, which caused Ian to suspect that the baby, Daphne, wasn't even Danny's child. Ian, in anger, blurted his suspicions to Danny which caused Danny to drive into a brick wall and kill himself.

Lucy seemed to whither after Danny's death, and she eventually died as well. Ian had grown close to the kids, Agatha, Thomas, and Daphne. Lucy had no family, no connections anywhere, so Ian and his parents took in the kids, although Ian did most of the work. Through Ian's journey in life we see that he is raising these kids and basically throwing his own life and dreams away because he is trying to atone himself for killing Danny and Lucy. He can't seem to understand the true meaning of forgiveness.

Sorry if Saint Maybe was a book on your reading list, I'm just trying to gather my thoughts. The essay we are to write is on beautiful truth. We are supposed to talk about the intersections of truth and beauty in fiction, while jumping back to Anne Tyler's novel for examples of this. But how am I supposed to do this when I don't know what we mean by truth and beauty? When I think of truth I first think of the Bible, then I think of...well, what do I think of next? I don't really know. And what is beauty? Is it the goodness we see in creation? The goodness in each of us? I can see where beauty comes into the picture, but where does it intersect with truth? How does one character or event in the novel signify beauty and truth simultaneously?

I could step away from this assignment for a time to get other homework out of the way, but I just can't. All I can do is stare at a blank document, jot some ideas in my notebook, start typing a sentence, and then delete it for its lack of true content.

I am again reminded of what it's like to truly wrestle with a topic. To not know exactly where your thoughts settle or where the end result will be. So here's my question: can I find my ideas through writing? Or do I need to have my ideas clearly laid out before I pull up a blank document?

For once, the act of writing is winning this battle. And to be honest, I have no clue how to fight back.